Truth Bombs from a Goal-Getter
I know I’ve talked at length about the craziness that is my life. Writer, publisher, marketer, Operations Director for a large company, mom, wife, distance runner, etc. I think I’ve gotten so caught up in all of this that I’ve missed an important lesson.
This is nothing to brag about.
That list of things that I do every day, the list of goals I have for myself, it’s exhausting. I keep this running tally of things I’m accomplishing every day, but I’m not actually accomplishing anything. I’m drowning.
It literally just dawned on me this morning, as I looked over my calendar, that I am constantly scheduling my family around work.
That is bullshit.
That’s not how life should be. I shouldn’t have to fit in school meetings for my son, date night with my husband, family dinner where all four of us actually sit at the same table, around other people’s priorities for my life.
How the hell did I get here?
When I look at the things that are on my calendar, and yes, I’ve heard gurus advise that I am the one who allowed those things to be there, there are very few of them that I actually want to be doing. And the things that I really want to do, well those things ALWAYS get pushed to a backburner.
“I’ll get to it”, has become my mantra.
It’s hard. I have bills to pay, and I need my stressful day job. Other people’s dreams depend on me succeeding in our publishing company, I already had to bow out of my marathon due to injury, but I know I need to continue working at the gym to keep my strength and energy up, I’ll never actually sell any books if I don’t market them. These are things that I have to do, every day. So, hearing that there’s nothing on my schedule that I didn’t allow to be there isn’t actually helpful. I appreciate where the advice is coming from, but it’s not actually the truth. And shaming me for having a full schedule of things I really am required to do, is serving no one.
I want to play with my kids. I want to play with my husband. I want to write books and talk to readers. I want to have fun…and none of that is on my calendar. There is literally no time to do the things that set my heart on fire, because I’m so busy putting out fires for others.
What’s the solution? I’m sorry, I don’t actually know. Outside of winning the lottery, or having a book go viral and take off like gangbusters, I have no clue how to dig myself out of this. So, for the time being, I’ll most likely double down and push harder, dig in and try to forget for the moment that my kids are growing up and I’m missing it.
This is the dark side of being a goal-getter that no one seems to talk about. We can give you all the pretty advice, and beautiful Instagram Stories, but deep down, we are struggling to keep our own heads above water.
I think it’s important to share things like this. Because a ton of Personal Development people act like getting up an hour earlier is going to make a massive impact on your life. And it is, I mean, that extra hour is important.
But hear me now. I sleep 4-5 hours a night and I am STILL falling behind. And listen, I don’t watch television. I don’t spend hours on social media reading other people’s content. I barely get to read books that I’m not editing. There is no time being wasted here. I am grinding 20 hours a day and I STILL don’t have time to get to the things I want to do.
And that’s going to have to be okay for now. That is the season I am in. It happens and no one gets to make me feel shame or feel like I’m less because I’m not getting things done. I am doing the best I can and regardless of what others may tell you, at certain times in our lives it really is okay if all we managed to do today is fucking breathe. Because when you’re drowning, breathing is about the most important thing you can do for yourself.
Am I happy about any of this? Fuck no. Like I said earlier, I am sick to death of scheduling my family around all the work I have to do. But my dude, I have to do the work, so I don’t currently have a choice.
Tomorrow may not be promised to any of us, but right now, all I have is “someday.”